Thursday, December 31, 2015

End of the Year

We live in a strange world.

It's pretty unusual for me to feel like I feel now. You could say I am in a state of slight emotional turmoil. It was worse an hour ago, when I was having trouble breathing (don't worry; not a panic attack, I've never had one). Or rather, I did breathe okay, but at an accelerated pace, because my body needed more air, as my blood was flowing so quickly (which also resulted in me feeling a bit physically ill [a pressure in my guts/stomach]). Luckily, I have asthma medication lying around (I don't have normal asthma, but I still take medication daily, as a way of preventing a cough that sticks around for months), so that issue was quickly and swiftly solved.

But yeah, as I'm feeling weird, which I almost never do, I figured I'd capture the moment on my blog, as I need to write one entry anyway. It also helps me calm down, to write about how I feel.

Now, let's start by saying I am usually among the most stable people around. I still am stable, of course. What I'm saying is, I don't usually need to deal with emotions too much, because I am rarely affected. I am constantly happy, so it's easy for me to brush the darker aspects of life aside.

One of the things that contributes to my current state, is of course, the immense lack of sleep lately. I have been working really hard to get a lot of tracks finished before the year comes to an end. Especially these last few weeks (as usually, I wait until the very last possible moment to do something). The last time I felt anything remotely like this, was in the army, due to quite different reasons than this time.

In case you didn't realize, this is going to be another one of those rather personal posts.

I'm actually feeling okay now. I have my way of dealing with things, so I'm becoming more calm every second. Good thing I still managed to capture the moment in this text; I was worried I'd be too late. I am a pretty weird person, so I kinda like finding out new things about myself, in a philosophical sense. And this is certainly new.

Now what could get me into this weird emotional atmosphere? I don't really intend for this post to be negative as a whole. I don't think I'm going to make it all too long either (as I mentioned, I am in a real need for some sleep). [EDIT: I mean... At least the length is readable!]

Remember last month when I was talking about Bisexuality? Yes you do. Well, I also mentioned how I haven't had a crush on anyone for ages (probably 5 years or so). Now, you may think you see where this is going. But you'd probably be partly wrong in your first guess, because I wouldn't say I tend to work like most people do.

Well, funny thing is, less than a month after writing about me having a hard time finding someone that's interesting enough for me, and checks my boxes for personalities I like, I found someone. Or rather, said person found me. The thing is of course, it's not someone who lives in Finland, but someone I've primarily had contact with via Skype. I started talking to him pretty much a week ago.

I'm not going to go into detail about our talks, but I quickly realized that this is just my kind of person in every way. I pretty much became infatuated during our first real conversation! And imagine how surprising that is to me, who usually doesn't find anyone interesting?

{I just came back from a short break (someone else contacted me on Skype; I have like 1 million people I talk to). I feel normal now; I guess I recover quickly. I am not even tired, despite having slept almost none at all for several nights. Which is good, because I've been looking forward to celebrating New Year's Eve with my friends. Let's see if I am able to drive though, or if I should give that  to someone else (because I obviously shouldn't drive if I get too tired later).}

Anywho, back to this. I instantly found myslf attracted to the guy I'm talking to, on multiple levels. The most interesting thing is, how very much alike me he is. We seem to think in very similar manners, to the extent that it almost makes you wonder if I have a lost twin. Many people look for people who are different from themselves, but I guess I just have a thing for people that are like me. And I think I know why; it feels like you already know them incredibly well.

As I mentioned in my previous entry, the difference isn't necessarily huge between people in a relationship, and extremely close friends. Especially, if it's a friend you've known since daycare, and you're pretty much able to read what they're thinking, and vice versa. It's rare to find such friendhips in this age for many people, as well. And that's just the thing. Even though we haven't known each other for a long time, we seem to be able to understand one another extremely well, almost as if we HAD known each other for years upon years. I personally, wouldn't ever be interested in entering in a relationship with someone that I couldn't also view as a friend.

Of course, life would be too generous if things were that easy. The guy I like lives in another country, among other things. But that only matters to me to a certain extent, in the end, I feel. The reason I mentioned frienship, is because that's what we currently are; friends. And that's fine by me, because I don't see a huge difference. What is important to me, is that I can get to know the person, and be happy around them.

It's pretty weird. Usually I'd be very sceptical of people that become infatuated so quickly, and over the net too! But I don't feel like anything is weird here. We'll see what happens with our friendship, of course. I imagine we will become quite good friends, to say the least. I think that the fact we were so honest with each other from the start, allowed us to skip the step of trying to break each other's barriers. We felt at ease talking to one another, from the get go.

I was originally going to write about how happy I was to realize that I still have the potential to like people, as I had always seen the issue as "I have too high standards", which may well be true to a certain extent. I was also going to make a pun including "A New Hope", with the new Star Wars movie out and all. Of course, I always knew that I must still be able to like someone. But getting the confirmation made me happy. Though as you probably understand, I can't imagine myself finding another person I just happen to like to such an extent from the start at the moment. People aren't that easily replacable. Which makes the fact that we just happened to meet each other, so intriguing! I look very much forward to talking more to him, to get to know him even better.

I got consent for writing about this, of course. Not that I legally need to, of course, but as it involves other people, I prefer to have it.
So what got me into a state of emotional turmoil a bit earlier then? It's that I got it confirmed that this person is unhappy on some level (of course, I have more details, but I'm not going to go into them, as I don't even know for sure if he wants me to mention it to start with). I pretty much never get sad because of myself. I tend to always be happy. But I do have great sense of empathy, so when someone I care about to such an extent is not feeling well, it leaves its marks on me. And now I know just how deeply it can cut.

It doesn't help that another great friend of mine is struggling with cancer, among other things right now. I know a lot of people, both IRL and through the internet. I know the ugly truth, which is that incredibly many people are dealing with depression/anxiety/whatnot for several reasons, in this day and age. Probably partly because I myself am always fine, I really take their problems to heart, and do what I can to help. In this unfair world where I've been lucky enough to get a life that's wonderful, it's the least I can do.

So that's my situation right now. I'm glad I got to write about it. Sorry that it's a pretty messy post; haven't slept in a long while, and I'm not sure if there's any way I could write about this in an order that makes sense, and will make you understand. So you can make of this what you will. The end of the story thus far, is that I'm incredibly happy to get to talk to such a person, no matter our relationship; that's just a word anyway.

As usually, it's time to pitch my music. I've been super active lately (thus, so little sleep), and I've reached my goal. In a few hours, I'll have uploaded 52 tracks to Newgorunds this year. One for each week, you could say. I had that exact same number of music uploads last year too. I had to finish so many tracks these last weeks, all while celebrating Christmas and other stuff...

I think I'll relax a bit on the music front next year, and focus more on writing, and on other less important things such as my studies and sleeping... I guess that's my general New Year's promise. To not set up stupid rules to follow about "amounts of uploads", not to speak of the fact that I have one blog post here for every month this year. It's taking my OCD too far (I don't really have OCD; just a saying).

No worries though. There's still lots of music in store for next year! There's no stopping me. I'm working on the BRUCE project, and I've been planning a ton of collaborations with other artists. I am excited for what the new year will bring!

While I have uploaded many things lately (even got 2nd place in a competition), I'd like you to listen to what I composed today. One of the people I know on Skype, asked me to write a track for him, so as I needed to fill one spot out of those 52 tracks, I spent most of my day today creating this piece of music:

I tried to summarize my emotions in the composition, and I think it worked out quite well.

Now, to end this year off, I have a question for the few of my readers that exist.

This is my blog, so I'm obviously going to write about what I want, to the most extent. But do you want to read more of these slightly more personal entries in the future, or not? I might blog more often if I keep a bigger focus on my own life, than on interesting philosophical thoughts, and other weird things. But will it be as interesting? What do you think!?

Of course, it'll always be a mixture. But I think it's a shame I've written so little lately.

Well... I guess that really is it. It has been an interesting year to say the least! I look very much forward to the coming one. I hope you do too!

Also, I want to make sure you don't start to worry about me because the start of this entry was a bit on the dark side. I am always happy, so there's really nothing to worry about. It's just me worrying about other people, as I will continue to do :)

So now;

See ya next year!!!


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